Pipe Band Jokes

 
Bagpipe jokes
(created by jealous drummers)
Q: Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A: To get away from the noise.


Q: What's the only thing worse than a bagpiper?
A: Good question. We're still trying to find out too.


Bagpipes (noun) - I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the man-made object never equalled the purity of sound achieved by the pig. -Alfred Hitchcock 

Q. How do you get two bagpipes to play a perfect unison? 
A. Shoot one. 

Q. What's the definition of a minor second? 
A. Two bagpipes playing in unison. 

Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion? 
A. No one cries when you chop up an bagpipe. 

Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline? 
A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline. 

Q. How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch? 
A. He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks. 

Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded? 
A. You don't have to be very good to get people's attention. 

Q. Why did the chicken cross the road? 
A. To get away from the bagpipe recital. 

Q. What's the difference between the Great Highland and Northumbrian bagpipes? 
A. The GHB burns longer [but the Northumbrian burns hotter] 

Q. What do you call bagpiper with half a brain? 
A. Gifted. 

Q. What's the difference between a lawnmower and a bagpipe? 
A. You can tune the lawnmower, and the owner's neighbors are upset if you borrow the lawnmower and don't return it. 

Q. How many bagpipers does it take to change a light bulb? 
A. Five, one to handle the bulb and the other four to contemplate how Bill Livingston would have done it. 

Q. How many bagpipers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 
A. 5-one to do it, and four to criticise his fingering style. 

Q. If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune bagpipe player, an out of tune bagpipe player, or Santa Claus? 
A. The out of tune bagpipe player. The other two indicate you have been hallucinating. 

Q. How do you make a chain saw sound like a bagpipe? 
A. Add vibrato. 

Q. How many bagpipers does it take to change a light bulb? 
A. Five. One to handle the bulb, the other four to tell him how much better they could have done it. 

Q. What's the definition of a gentleman? 
A. Someone who knows how to play the bagpipe and doesn't. 

Q. Why do bagpipers leave their cases on their dashboards? 
A. So they can park in handicapped zones. 

Q. What's the definition of a quarter tone? 
A. A bagpiper tuning his drones. 

Q. What do bagpipers use for birth control? 
A. Their personalities. 

Q. What's the difference between a dead bagpiper in the road and a dead country singer in the road? 
A. The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session. 

Q. What's the range of a bagpipe? 
A. Twenty yards if you have a good arm. 

Q. What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians? 
A. A bagpiper. 

Q. What did the bagpiper get on his I.Q. test? 
A. Drool. 

Q. What's one thing you never hear people say? 
A. Oh, that's the bagpipe player's Porsche. 

Q. Why do bagpipers always walk when they play? 
A. Moving targets are harder to hit. 

Q. How do you know if a bagpipe band is at your front door? 
A. No one knows when to come in. 

Q. Why did the bagpiper get mad at the drummer? 
A. He moved a drone and wouldn't tell him which one. 

Q. Why are bagpipers fingers like lightning? 
A. They rarely strike the same spot twice. 

Tom: "Hey, Buddy. How late does the bagpipe band play?" 
Buddy: "Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer." 

Q: What's the difference between a Scotsman and a Rolling Stone? 
A: A Rolling Stone says "hey you, get off of my cloud!", while a Scotsman says "Hey McLeod, get off of my ewe!" 

Q. How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune? 
A. Someone is blowing into it. 

Q. Why is a bagpipe like a Scud missile? 
A. Both are offensive and inaccurate.

 
 
  Did you hear the one about the bagpiper who parked his 
car with the windows open, forgetting that he had left his 
bagpipes in the back seat?
  He rushed back as soon as he realised it, but it was too
late -- someone had already put another set of bagpipes in 
the car!
 
 
 
 
 
 
  A guy walks into a bar with an octopus on his shoulder. 
  The bartender says to him, "You can't bring that in here!"
  The guy says "Why not? He's a pet. Plus I'll bet you a drink
he can play any instrument in here."
  The bartender says "okay, here's a trombone, I'll bet a drink
he can't play it."
  The octopus picks it up and starts playing a tune.
  The bartender is a little upset and pulls out a clarinet and 
says, "I bet another drink he can't play this."
  The guy says okay and the octopus picks up the clarinet and 
starts playing away on it.
  By now the bartender is really upset. He's had to give the 
guy 2 free drinks already. Then he remembers he has an old set 
of bagpipes in the back.
  He tells the guy, "I'll bet you one more drink he can't play 
something else I have," and throws out the bagpipes. 
  The octopus takes one look at the set of bagpipes and starts
swarming all over it, pulling on the pipes and squeezing the bag. 
  The bartender laughs and says, "I guess I win."
  The guy says, "just give him a minute. As soon as he realizes 
he can't screw it... he'll play it." 
 
 
 
Origin of Bagpipes
 
  Long ago, the Scots devised a fearsome battle tactic. As the
Scots neared their enemies, they would take cats, swing them 
round and round above their heads. Then the cats would be sent 
sailing through the air and land, clawing and biting, among 
the Scot's foes. This was very effective. Word got out of this 
fearsome stratagem, and soon just the sound of the cats, howling 
and screaming as they were whirled over the heads of the Scotsmen, 
was enough to send even battle-hardened foes into full retreat.
  But the Scots began to run out of cats.
  So they invented the Scottish bagpipe as a substitute.
  And now you know... ...the rest of the story.
 
 
 
  There was a young Scottish boy called Angus who decided to 
try life in Australia. He found an apartment in a small block 
and settled in.
  After a week or two, his mother called from Aberdeen to see 
how her son was doing in his new life.
  "I'm fine," Angus said. "But there are some really strange
people living in these apartments. One woman cried all day 
long, another lies on her floor moaning, and there is a guy 
next door to me who bangs his head on the wall all the time."
  "Well, ma laddie," says his mother, "I suggest you don't
 associate with people like that."
   "Oh," says Angus, "I don't, Mam, I don't. No, I just stay 
 inside my apartment all day and night, playing my bagpipes."